The Doctor and I spent the day playing with Sam and the "Universe-Hopping-Doohicky-McWhatsit" and listening to Christmas songs far too loud on Norwegian national radio while taking the Doohicky to bits and putting it back together again. It turns out my dear friend can hold a tune, and is very passionate about classic 70s British Christmas songs and also Norwegian Punk rock. He and Sam did a fantastic rendition of Slade's " Merry Christmas Everybody" ( the doctor on vocals, Sam banging things appropriately loudly).

Sam also seemed to fix something on said Doohicky without knowing it and it sprang into life and it took me a few hours to convince the Doctor that this was not because his son is a closet genius (though he probably is) since he actually broke more than he fixed. Nonetheless it seems that his fixing of the Doohicky worked and gave us our next opportunity to visit 'the other side'.


There's something strange and tingly about visiting another universe. The other me, the one my Doctor continues to confuse me with to this day ("Remember when you told the King of Hoolob-Fnar that he was a...oh no, sorry...other you."), got to see other planets, different times, but I bet she never did this.

Hat update: The Doctor was wearing a nice woolly bonnet; me a fetching fur bonnet; Sam a cute pair of bright blue fluffy ear muffs.

Just after lunch, with sandwiches in my bag, as well as a great deal of hope (every time we travel the look of hope on the Doctor's face is a painful mix of excitement, trepidation and expectancy: as if the minute we fire up the Doohicky Rose will come running into his arms) we set the Doohicky on "Go" and a few seconds later we were exactly where we had started. My hat was making my head itch. I expressed as much to the Doctor.

"Whinge whinge whinge." He said with a smile, "I said you should have worn the trilby."
"Trilbys are for men."
"Exactly."
I don't think he appreciated the thump in the arm but it made me feel better.

Of course we weren't exactly where we started. I knew because of the tingly feeling. It's sort of like that feeling you get when someone 'walks over your grave'; an unpleasant cold sensation, the feeling that something is quite the way it was before.
"Norway." I say, "always looks the bloody same. Can't there be a fairground, or can't it be sunny!" I exclaim, tramping my feet on the snow endrusted sand as I searched my bag for another overcoat to put on over the one i've got. We went for a walk to heat up the extremities. "So genius, which Universe is this?" I ask.

"Mnoop." Sam yelled and pulled his Dad's ear.

"Not sure," He .....I hearby Name it the Mnoop Universe. Happy?" He asked Sam.

"Fllaaaaahbbbbp" Sam agreed. But it wasn't Mnoop, or at least it was for a few minutes but we soon realised something was very very different. There was no Travelodge. There was no road. There was no anything. It was... peacefull. Beyond peacefull actually. Horses ran free over land which in our Universe was covered in little wooden Norwegian houses and people, even Norway has people but here there weren't any. Finally the Doctor puts the Doohicky down, and we decide to eat our sandwiches. Sam needs changing, and a nap (he was getting crotchity).

We lay out the blanket, there was no where to sit and took of our hats. We watched the sky, the clouds roll by in a dance, and the Doctor sighed.

"Not the right Universe then?"
"No." The Doctor said sadly, as Sam fell asleep.
"Don't worry, we'll find it."
"I know. It's just the last time I did this..." He turned to face me with a smile, "Was with Rose."
He looked back at the rolling clouds and smiled, he began to hum under his breath, "New,new,new,new,new..." and then laughed. Sam snored. I didn't know babies could snore.


"You got your mobile?" The Doctor asked after a good thirty minutes of baby snoring.
"Do you have any idea how much the call rates will be from here?!"
"I can't call another Universe," He explained, of course, dumb old me, "Hand it over."
I begrudingly handed over my ePhone.


After a couple of hours fiddling, "AHHA!!!!!!!!" He said.

He explained what he did. Buggered if I can remember it to tell you, "...........the long and the short of it is that I can't detect any human life."

"No humans?"

"NoPe" he Popped.

"Not one?"

"NoPe." He popped again happily.

"Dead?"

"Don't know." He said with less enthusiasm, "Probably never even existed." He sniffed. "Most Universes are like this, barren, devoid of the kind of life that you know, but living none the less; full of creatures which survive an play rather than do the wonderful things humans do."

"Yeah... but like Not ONE?"

The Doctor smiled.

"Kind of nice." I said honestly.

My ears were cold. I turned around to look for my hat. They were gone. All of them. "What the hell?" I said.

The Doctor laughed. "What did you expect, you kidnap some poor unsuspecting Hats from their own Universe. Of course they're going to run off the minute you put them down...I doubt the rest will be there when we get back either." This seemed to lighten his mood. It was then that Sam woke and we came home.  

It's been a funny old week.

I find myself in Norway, which it lovely, stunning really. It took us a while to get here, we stopped off on the way every so often - Bernie isn't as reliable as he used to be - and took in the sights.

It's like another world here. Undulating, breathtaking, raw and ancient, barren in more places than you can imagine.

This time last year I was a mess. I had had enough. I had lost everyone I had cared about. I was alone, abandoned, a strange person in a strange world.

How could I have been so blind? Look at this place, it's stunning and I am here with my dearest of friends. The closest family. Or at least... I was.

It seems now it is Rose's turn for escape.

I had to remind the Doctor of what happened when he chased after me, of his responsibilities, of the reason he is here.

He has a son and is being a good father. But even I can see that sad abamdon in his smile. I am his friend, but I am not enough. I keep waking up and expecting him to be gone, to have strapped up Sam in his carrier and jumped off the high beam.

Or wherever Rose went.

The Doctor tried to explain, we have talked about this place - not in depth - before. Now I have learned so much more.

I took a walk on the beach today, wallowed it's vast coolness, the wonderful peace of it. Christmas, India, the adventures we have had, all seem so far away. And then there he was, that Odd....Ood.

He did not speak, but I could hear him.

"Hello." I say, trying to be nice, friendly, not prod and poke the thing. I prod and poke the thing. My finger travels right through him. I'm not stupid, I realise quickly this is an illusion; that my satellite head (or whatever it is) is picking up something.

"So ... you want the Doctor or something, he's in the hotel...I could you know go and get him..."

"No we are looking for you."

"Me!" I spit. "What the blitherin' hell do you want with me."

"It is coming to an end." Says the Ood, laying on more than a tonne of mysterious for my liking, but he seems well intentioned.

"What is?" I ask.

"Time." He said.

"Well that's a bit shit." I respond.

The Ood doesn't seem to know what to do with this.

"You are gone. For us. For him. He needs another, someone who he will listen to, to help him. You must stop him from reaching the gate."

"Who? Seriously you're going to have to just come out with it, do you know how cold it is. I'm in bloomin' Norway...in December."

I thought I could see him smile...if tenticles could smile.

"We have been reaching, across time, across space, across the void, trying to find another, someone who might stop the dreams. Will you come?"

He held out his hand. I think of the Doctor in the hotel, of the little baby, of how I can't abandon my friend.

"Who needs help?" I ask, not entirely sure what I can do about dreams.

"The Doctor, Donna, friend." He answers, out of all this I decide that this poor Ood is a bit mad.

"Yeah cause the Doctor's here, and I....ooohhhh...." It came to me, "You mean the other one."

He nodded.

"Nah, ta." I tell him, "He's got Rose."

The Ood looks at me with strange eyes.

"Then... We are too late." He says. "We are sorry Donna."


And in a poof of wind, he is gone.

I'm an interdemensional satellite dish for psychic octopi.


Well isn't that just wizard.

So I'm parking up my stuff and I'm heading to the Tylers.

I was woken up at 3am in the morning by the Doctor's 'lovely' ood. The creepy thing was standing at the end of my bed! The bloody liberty! What if I wasn't alone! Why the hell do I manager to attract alien stalkers and can't hold down a proper boyfriend!

He left quick enough, faded away. The Doctor failed to mention these things could jup in and out of peoples' BEDROOMS.

We'll be having words as soon as the lazy so-and-so is up.

So apparently, to get to the bottom of this mystery I have to date this alien that turned up in my local shop.

The Doctor, in an attempt to make the prospect less horrific is explaining how lovely Ood (Ooods? Oodi? what would the collective noun be?) are.

This is his ingenious method. I thought you might all find this as hilarious and unconvincing as I did:






EDIT:

Following six cups of tea consumed in a marathon session, a large amount of inhaled bubble suds, a box of tunnocks tea cakes (too much sugar), and the discovery of a box of pens. I thought I'd share this too before we go down to dinner. Rose, quote, "despairs for the both of us" - but we both know from that grin that she wishes we gave her a pen.

Okay, so the weirdest thing happened today. And coming from me, Queen of Weird, this is concerning. I promised I wouldn't write in this thing because, quite frankly it was depressing me (and I'm a little embarassed about not saying goodbye, everytime I read Rose's letter below I get all red - I should delete it). I wanted to go out into the world and live it not write about it. And boy have I done that! But this, well I need to know if anyone else has experienced such...oddness.

I came back from Mallorca about three days ago, picked up Monty from the cattery ( poor thing was pining ) told him all about Francesco over a bucket of Hagen Daz, and how my two week holiday in Mallorca became three months and how I nearly became Mrs Francesco Anifantakis, before I found out the swine was cheating... I've been living of take-away for two days...

So I'm in the local shop buying eggs, milk, bread, wine, and something that might make all of that into a meal. And I see an OCTOPUS! Or sortof - something like an Octopus. Or softof - something wearing an Octopus on its head.

I'm like "Thanks, I've already got my persil ta." When he tries to flog me one of those balls you put in the wash. And I exit sharpish. Mr Gupta chases after me because I haven't paid. "I ain't payin' a man who lets squid roam the aisles mate." I say, and return him his goods. I'm shopping in Safebury's tomorrow. Take away again tonight, and I'm ringing the Martian.

Either I've been taking too many pills, need draining, am loosing my nuts, or something shitty is afoot. Anyone else hallucinated Octopi? Is it a mass phenomenon? Maybe they upped the Oestrogen in the water again?

On that note I have a splitting headache. It's probably the second thing. God sometimes I hate this Huon stuff, it's worse than blasted PMT.

Dear the Readers of this Journal,

The Doctor has gone. I don't know for how long, or if he will ever return. In my heart I hope he will come back to me and our baby more than anything. If he doesn't I'll bloody track him down and kill him! Or maybe just hurt him a lot for putting me through this worry.

As for you and this Journal. It used to annoy the hell out of me that he could be so open with complete strangers, but never tell me quite what he was thinking or feeling. But then, he never was one to tell me much. For a guy that never shut up, he really never said a lot. But I did love him, and because of this I respected his privacy and kept away from this place until now. Through the good and the bad, I know he valued your opinions and support. You were a great source of strength for him in hard times. So I will say thank you, and hope he will log in one day to tell you just what happened. All I know is that he and Donna packed their bags and left. I guess even with a human heart, he's still the Doctor, and will always keep on moving on.

Maybe I'm just a little bit thick. Maybe I should have realised that he would never cope with the life of a human. That though his body may be like any other mans (and what a man!), his mind was just the same as it always was. I noticed him fidgeting. I knew he escaped outside to tinker with Bernie whenever the walls closed in too much. I just never thought he would really leave.

Oh well. Time and Space needs it's Doctor I suppose.

All my love.

Rosexxx

Yesterday Pete threw a box of kingsize tissues at me and told me to get out of my JimJams. i rolled over. Then mum came in and gave me a kick. I could hardly argue with them both.

We got into the 4x4 and Pete set off driving to.... Chiswick.

"Trust me on this." He said.
"Why is it my stomach hurts when you say that?" I added.
"Because you've got the lurgi," Mum explained, "Don't be so ungrateful."

It turns out Peter Tyler has decided to give Mum and I our Christmas presents early.

For the record I will trust this man forever and ever and ever.

We exited the vehicle on the street where we used to live and I started to feel sick, waiting expectantly for Mum to see the bomb site that had once been our....

But there was no bomb site. There was a shiny new house.

In fact no. It isn't a new house. It's the old one. ALMOST exactly.

I screamed!

"Happy Christmas" Pete said with glee, his massive smile evident of a man who had been secretly planning this for months...

"H...how..." I asked.
He sighed, "All you women think the Doctor is the only amazing bloke around here. I'm not too shabby you know. Saved a whole world from a Cyberman invasion I did; I even invented a thing that got my daughter her smile back...sort of. I'm...."

"Brilliant! That's what you are. Oh come here you..." I gave him the biggest hug I think I could give. Mum pointed out the door was hung the wrong way around.

We moved in today. There's an ugly un-cordinated Christmas tree and presents waiting to be torn open, a Radio Times pre-circled with everything my mum wants to watch on Christmas day. There's a turkey in the oven and pud made to mum's recipe, they have even managed to find some photographs (god knows how or from where)....It's like the last six months didn't happen.


But I don't know. It feels a bit...you know....as if something is missing.

I've barely left the room for days, which it annoying me. I have THE FLU.

Turns out magical Huon particles are not a cure for influenza...scary poison, yes....common cold. NO!

This has course put a scupper on

a) hat purchasing
b) last minute Christmas present purchasing
c) throwing Rose out of my room when she wanders in at 2 in the morning to give me a very long and one sided run down of everything that everyone is doing, everything she is suffering, and everything. (of course I tell her that she catch the flu, and she tells me she has an immune system like steal thanks to varying inter-galactic travels. I of course nod groan and try and think of another excuse....unfortunately my brain isn't working properly.

I can still shop for a hat can't I?

Rose came to me last night upset, not about his Nibs, she said she's had enough upset over him in all his forms to last a life time but that she loves him and that is all that matters in the end. She told me there was a baby on the way. I told her that was obvious, unless she had been overindulging in Mildred's cooking, and that baby was not something to be so upset about, quite the contrary.

We had a long conversation about how it was a huge surprise and how she was worried about what it would mean for her and the kind of person she had been, about whether she would be a good mom, how it would effect her career at Torchwood which she had finally got back on track after the 'big bang'. She was worried about whether or not she would have to buy all new clothes, and that it was hardly like she could run about saving the world with a bump and what if the world needed saving.
I said this wasn't anything to be upset about either, the Doctor would do his thing, so would the rest of Torchwood, IS&P had been effectively crippled so the bad guy count was on the go-slow for abit. I said that maternity wear can be quite sexy and searched through piles of magazines with lots of hot celeb moms in them to show her. She then said this wasn't what was upsetting her either. I said she could have fooled me.

She said she was upset about my decision, which Pete had just told her. She insised that she understood and agreed with it but told me that I had failed to realise that it wasn't only the Doctor who would miss me. It's been a long time, she said, since she had a good old fashioned girl-friend to hang out with and bitch about the boyfriend with (sorry mate - but it's what girls do). That made me laugh. She admitted that if I'd not made the decision she would have wanted me to be God-mother for the baby. Okay - I'll admit it, it made me think twice....but I'm still in the same mind.

After several weeks away 'finding myself' I can officially report myself found.

1) I am trouble. This much is obvious. Wherever I go trouble seems to follow. In India it followed in the shape of some bloke Shail's father had done the dirty on - though I am not sure entirely how - but the long and the short of it is someone felt disrespected on the back of a business deal Shail's father had put through and without Shail's father to seek revenge upon took it out elsewhere.

2) I am paranoid. Everything Shail was was good. He never did a bad thing in his life. He was pleasant and deligthful and an amazing cook. We got on better than I have done with any man, and that includes His Nibs 'Alien boy'. There was an acceptance about Shail I can't explain, he had a spirituality that just exuded from him...and I couldn't deal with it. How could someone really be that perfect? but he was, and because I doubted him he came looking for me instead of going to the police. I got him killed. But I can see Shail's massive smile now. I could so easily blame myself for his death, but I didn't pull the trigger. I have to just regard the world as a little less shiny because he is no longer in it, and regard myself as blessed that he chose to spend his last few weeks with his hand in mine.

3) I am alone. This is not meant to sound emotionally weighted. It's just a fact. I am unique. The unique don't fit in a world where homogeniety and routine are so easy. The Doctor has Rose, and lord knows I'm not going near his bean-poleness, and while I'm around it seems I can do nothing but harm their burgeoning relationship, it's as if i am a reminder for him of all those things he once did. But it's not me he sees still - it's this other me and I can't be that person. Grandad has his friends at the ASA. Mum has Jackie - they're pretty good buddies now, but she misses her old life too.

So what am I going to do about it. Well...

I don't want to be any of those three things. So I intend not to be.

I intend to go back to temping. I intend to be boring and no longer put myself in the path of adventure. I have already spoken with Pete and he agrees that is probably for the best, that I have the full support and backing of Torchwood. Mum has conceeded to take the retcon drug, as have I. We're going to go back to the way we were.

Though Pete has asked, on behalf of His Nibs (who he is perfectly aware will object dramatically and very very very persuasively), that I wait until the New Year; that I think about it. I hardly needed to point out that I have thought about it and that my mind is made up. if I am to be unique I don't want to know about it.

The plan is to be that I can have regular check ups with my 'Doctor' so I can get all this Huon shit out of my system and not do anyone any damage. I can work in an office, Pete will set me up with a job in a TW fringe company. Mum can rag on me for being a useless waste of space, and has said she is perfectly happy to do so. Perhaps me an Lance might even have something... this journal will be a testament for my self if I ever want to know the truth and the reason for the decision and if i get curious and start asking questions I am to be given full access to it and everything, and given the option to have it all erased again. I have written a letter to myself which I will give to Rose to look after - I need someone a little less emotionally attached to the matter, sorry Doc. Rose has her head on straight. She's a keeper Mr.

But I'll do as Pete suggested, but not for me, It will give him time to understand my decision. Two weeks.

We arrived in Varanassi today - and as much as I would like to talk about how beautiful and wonderful it is and how touching the ceremony was for Shail's friend and how incredible the architecture is...

I can't.

We're in Shail's house. His mother is lovely. She fed me within an inch of my life. It was about twenty minutes later I started to feel sick and dizzy. I think I was posioned - but I can't think why. I felt groggy and unconsious and stumbled downstairs. The whole family is dead. I have no idea where Shail is. What the hell have I walked into. How that stuff got out my system I don't know. I ran outside and practically fell in the Ganges. It's late now. I'm fine, a bit itchy, and I'm in some random internet cafe on the outskirts of the city ( holy place , yes, internet cafes also) and booking a flight home.

I'm just wondering where the hell Shail is. I hope he's okay! But part of me... well most of me...thinks he did it. Am I paranoid??? Can you blame me? What if he's innocent in all this. Sod it I'm going to find him out.

Shail and I spent the day in the office and visiting his colleagues and office staff that had stayed at home, just giving a quick word to make sure they are okay. It's an incredible way for working. The office is very very hierarchical but friendly and busy, and Shail made sure he went to see everyone from the CIO to the cleaners. We were driven around in a very expensive car (though road conditions are treacherous - no one has wing mirrors - so it was rather like being driven about in a tank) to those people who work for his company but weren't coming in because they were afraid etc. Shail gave them a very inspiring speech about defiance in the face of cowardice and bravery in the face of terror that made me go a bit wobbly.

Then we picked up his friend's ashes and set off on the train.

We would be in Varanassi by the morning had this train not also stopped - while i was napping someone threw themself out of the train!!

Shail looked a bit flushed and rushed us both off the train into a nearby hotel. He's been in his room on the phone for hours. I'm starting to think he's not as perfect as he seems.

Back on the train and we have a three hour ride this evening then Shail has to go to his offices and check all his staff are okay. He has asked me to come along with him, he says I am good with people (first of it I've heard - normally I'm acused of being a mardy mare). He went to a temple this afternoon for prayers, it turns out the man who died on the train was a friend....well more of a work aquaintance. But they moved in the same circles. He called the family and informed them he would ensure the man's ashes are taken to Varanasi (our next stop after Mumbai) for a proper funeral. We will pick them up from the police station after they have done what they need to do, and carry them with us. It's a very nice gesture. Now back on the train. See you on the other side.

And yes Rose, I do know.

One of the things I hate the most about England is the train system.
If you're early, it's late.
If you're late, it's early.
If you're bang on time, it's cancelled.
Yes, let's all go out and buy our own personal zepplins instead of making the national infrastructure work! (sigh)
It is one of my mum's favorite complaints and I'm not so much better.

From the images I had seen of Indian train systems I was dreading the journey. But petty worries about timetables paled in comparison to the horror some people have suffered in Mumbai so any thoughts of that kind were quickly washed from my mind. Plus Shail brought us first class tickets.

I haven't been able to sleep much (though it is a sleeper service and the beds are comfortable) I think this is a mix of both guilt, worry and jet lag, but I'm not about to split hairs over which dominates my sleep patterns. So I have been wandering about the carrages. I met some very interesting people, a lot concerned about family and friends, a few fascinating students, a few people of lower caste hanging about in between the carriages (that system is antiquated and a bit horrible but I understand it won't change over night). While I was sleeping if seemed Shail had similar problems. I heard him get up and walk about.

The train was stopped in the early hours. Apparently someone on the train had a pretty horrible accident. I'm not sure whether this is linked to the attacks or not. I'm sure it isn't, but my paranoia alarm is going off. I think we're somewhere near Mumbai. Shail is on the phone to organise alternative transport, but everyone there is a bit busy right now.

Clearly train delays are not unique to the UK.

On Shail: He is very respectful and very quiet. He has told me he has a very deep affection for me and can't wait to introduce me to his mother. He says she's not going to be happy I'm not a 'nice Indian girl'. But, he says, I make up for it in being a bit of a goddess. I shuddered at the word. But he said it's the name, 'Donna', he was trying to make a joke. I laughed. We're waiting for news of when the train service starts up again.

Shail and I had to stop off to check on some of his work. It turns out he is the heir to a very large company based in Mumbai.
I thought he was just some guy, turns out he's as much on vacation as I am.

He was called earlier from his office - webphone (his) is current mode of communication - there have been some truly horrible attacks in Mumbai which have left him distraught.




It's all horribly close to home.

I broke down.

I'm not responsible, but I feel like it. Everything bad that happens at the moment feels like it's somehow my fault.

I told Shail what I am, what I can do.

He said it was wonderful.

We're getting on the train now to Cochin and from there to Mumbai. We're going to help. We will be there in 48 hours.

 

Side note: I checked my email - I have a message from Rose. She informed me that if I find the Doctor I am to slap him soundly, he's not at Lance's.
 

Is a real gem. He has one of those smiles that is nothing but genuine. There is no pretence to him, no superiority, no crazy boggly eyes no caffinated leaping (at least not most of the time - though the way he ran up the hill yesterday in the rain had me open mouthed in awe). He's peaceful. He is pleasant. He's just nice. And so hungry to share what he knows about his country and to learn from me about mine.
We went for a walk in the mountains (meesapulimala which means the mountain of the tiger's smile) this morning, he's been showing me all the flora and fauna. He's been telling me about herbal medicines and myths and Hindu legends. He was born in a place called Varanasi, where we will be going later on in the week. Aparently tourists require visas to enter the city as varanasi is like the mecca of India.

I can't wait. He's going to show me the ganges, the temples, his house, his cows (they live in the basement apparently), introduce me to his mother, feed me food that will make my eyes melt and show me what it means to be alive.

This evening he says I am too stressed out. He says I am too tense and I need to let go.
He's going to give me a massage and is mixing up the oils right now from stuff we picked in the woods. I can't wait, it seems insane, but then again after what has happened to me in the past few months it's actually about as normal as watching phill and fern.

At my darkest hour, feeling desperately sorry for myself things are not all that bad here in India. Yes it's India, but India is a big place so there's no harm in telling you that, and since I have thrown out my phone and I'm utilising the shabbiest of 'internet cafe' type places I have found I'm not afraid of letting such facts slip.

I have seen things which make being self absorbed and pathetic about what has happened to me seem a massive waste of energy. I went on a bit of a trek, brought a backpack like I'd seen the middle-class gap year kids doing, and a pair of sturdy boots and went walking through the villages.


It's the kids who make the biggest difference, they love the colour of my hair and run up to me wherever I am. Some of them beg, but most of them just want to practice their English, to tell me about themselves, bring them into their homes and introduce me to their parents, show me their cats, their paintings, introduce me to their friends and make jokes. I haven't stopped smiling for days.

It's raining here, heavily, but beautifully.

It's here I met Shail. He's lovely. He knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING.

If they only knew the things I had done.

I spent all day yesterday on a beach watching the kids play.

It's so simple, so innocent. Sometimes I wish I had that back, but I wasn't happy even then - I wonder what will make me happy now.

Playing in the sand seems to work, even if the dust is packed with black uranium!

I built a castle. It had a flag. I